a letter to me.

If I could write a letter to myself, one year ago, this is what it would say. 

Dear Meg,

Right now, your next year is full of uncertainty. You will make choices over these coming months that will be difficult. You will doubt yourself and not see what the next step on the road is supposed to be. Your heart will feel like it is being ripped away from the community and life you dedicated a year to building. 

You will be tempted to try and hold all of these feelings in. Don't. Let yourself be broken. Let yourself be open. Be in the moment, and let yourself feel both the sorrow and joy of it.

When you are hurt--and you will be hurt in ways you never see coming--let yourself feel that pain, but let the pain become a gateway to growth. When your trust is betrayed, you will be hurt so much more deeply than you realize at the time. Your instinct will be to fight back, but when the time comes: choose love, choose forgiveness. Not just in this moment, but over and over again.

In the midst of all of this confusion, you will have a moment of clarity when suddenly you know what you have to do next. You will know that your heart is beckoning you home, even though you don't know the reasons why. Listen to it, even when it hurts. Trust this moment, even as you still can't begin to imagine leaving Boston.

For now, treasure the time you have left. Be grateful. Soon you will pine for simple Friday nights watching movies and a warm meal prepared by your community members. Home will seem eerily quiet, after a year of the commuter rail rattling your windows and the noises of your Boston neighborhood.

Saying goodbye's will be one of the most difficult things you have ever done. Remember that this difficulty is a testament to your year and how much you gave of yourself. (And it's okay to cry in public. Really.)

You will buy a one-way plane ticket and get on a plane to fly back to St. Louis. It will be a perfect summer day when you leave Boston, and you won't know when you will be back again. This uncertainty will haunt you, but I promise you'll be back sooner than you think.

You are making the right choice to leave. Coming back home is necessary for your journey. As time goes on, you realize that while home may look easier on the surface, it was actually the challenging choice.

Because know this: coming home will be difficult. You will be surrounded by those who have known you since childhood, the oldest friends and family who love you in a way no one else can, but you will also be far away from all that became familiar over the past year. You will ache and feel that distance in a way you can't put into words.

Those who love you will push you and ask hard questions about your future, and you will need to hear them, even though you don't want to. Keep listening. Let them love you in the ways that they know how to.They won't always understand this most recent part of your journey. But that is okay, because the world will not understand, and you must learn to share your story regardless.

Don't expect to heal over night. Let yourself be vulnerable when you need to be.

Applying for jobs will be miserable; it will wreck your confidence and make you humble. You will have moments when you despair of ever finding something that's the right fit, but don't let these feelings overwhelm you. Stay focused, and invest in reflecting about what you really want. And that feeling in the pit of your stomach? Listen to it. You know what you need to do. Sometimes it's okay to make the impractical choice.

Because you know what? Despite your moments of doubt, it will work out. You will fall in love with a new job, a new neighborhood, and new chapter of your life. These things are in your future even though you can't even imagine them yet. They will be exactly what you need, and you will gradually grow into them. You will still struggle, but the struggle will look different. You will look different. You need to look different.

In the year to come you will have plenty of moments where you will still wonder "what if?" That doesn't make your choices less right. You will feel lonely in ways that you never have before. There will be rough Friday nights. Learn to sit with them, to let yourself be lonely, and to find comfort in your own company. As much as you want to click those numbers on speed dial, occasionally reach for your journal instead. Find a balance between the dependence of community and standing on your own two feet.

Pick up the pieces. Give yourself the credit you deserve at work and in life. Don't be ashamed of any choice that you made out of a loving, healthy place. Take care of yourself: physically, mentally, and spiritually. Save your pennies for plane tickets, and don't beat yourself up about spending too much money on groceries (that $90 a month thing isn't really realistic for your post-JVC life). Call Mom. Listen to Papa (he's almost always right... even about the yoga classes). Be grateful to be so close to your family--it's a luxury many don't have. Keep Casa Taj on speed dial. Keep your heart open to everyone you come across. Celebrate the joy of the everyday.

These next months will break your heart. They will leave you broken. That's okay. In fact, it's just what you need. Trust the process. You will come out better on the other side. Most importantly, trust in God who has been before you, beside you, and behind you throughout it all. 

Love, 

Me

P.S. You're lactose intolerant. Buy some almond milk; you'll feel a lot better. 

on the beauty of brokenness.

During JVC, I met with a spiritual director once a month.  My spiritual director had also been a JV, and as I questioned where I was headed post-JVC, she shared pieces of her own journey with me. She talked about moving home again, trying to figure things out, and said that doing so was ultimately a time of healing because her JVC year had left her so broken. 

At the time, I didn't quite get it. "Broken?" Yes, there was that day I cried in the bathroom at work and many more where I felt completely overwhelmed, but I wouldn't have characterized my emotional state as broken. That word didn't seem to quite fit.

Then, the last month of JVC happened, and I have rarely been so overwhelmed by emotions (and as a self-proclaimed emotional person, that's saying a lot). By the time I stepped on a plane to leave Boston, I felt like my heart had been ripped out, put through a wringer, and stepped on a few times for good measure. 

That first week back in Missouri, I was quiet a lot, as I scribbled down memories in my journal and unpacked my suitcases. I realized that the epiphany I was secretly hoping for regarding my life's direction wasn't going to happen; I wasn't going to wake up and magically know what I was supposed to do next. I felt lost, afraid, and even though I was now surrounded by the people I had spent the past year missing, just a little bit lonely. 

The physical distance from Boston, my community, and Casserly House allowed me to take stock of my year as a JV in a new way. During the year, I don't know if I ever fully admitted to myself how hard JVC was. But back in my comfortable home, suddenly I realized that, even though I loved JVC, it was easily the most difficult thing I have ever done. I grew so much during JVC, and I began to see that growth as a result of pain and hurt and... brokenness. 

Finally, I understood what my spiritual director had been saying. I realized how broken I was--and how broken I still am. My heart aches for the tragedies and injustices I witnessed, for the relationships I left in Boston, and the times I got burned when I allowed myself to be vulnerable. 

Slowly, I have begun the process of healing, and I have started to make peace with myself about the past year of JVC--all that transpired, my own failings and shortcomings, and the lessons I'm still learning.

While my heart needed this time to recover, I also believe that there is still value in brokenness and in the beauty of vulnerability in my life now as an FJV. The reality of brokenness is just as important because it is a way for me to continue to live out the four values I now treasure so dearly.

By staying broken, I continue to hold dear the people and stories that affected me so deeply during JVC and those that continue to affect me. I remember the injustices, the prejudice, the shame, and the pain. I remember what poverty looked like, sounded like, felt like on emotional, spiritual, and physical levels. I  I remember the story, not just the statistic.

Ernest Hemingway once wrote, "The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places."  Maybe the purpose of JVC was not just to break me, but also to show me that I'm supposed to stay broken... because that's the only way I am able to love and embrace this tragic, messy world for what it is.

In the words of Pedro Arrupe, SJ, "Falling in love with God... determines what will break your heart." Last year, I fell in love with the face of Christ in the the "dear neighbor" at Casserly House, in my community members, and in the kindness of strangers who welcomed me in a strange city. Some of those relationships broke my heart, but what are we called to be if not "bread broken for others"? 

I don't want to stop caring, to leave my heart guarded and aloof instead of raw and open, to close my eyes to what I see around me. As I continue to embrace my own brokenness, I trust in the words of Henri Nouwen that "the risk of loving is always worth taking."

on community: take two.

I have talked a lot about the blessings of JVC, but I mean it when I say that this was the highlight; this is the best gift I received:

Community: 

the love and support of these four wonderful women, 

who became my Boston family, some of my best friends, and my support system. 

If I can say nothing else about last year, I can say that I walked away with four beautiful, life-giving friendships that will continue long after the official end of JVC.

What these women know, what they saw, and what they experienced with me is something that no one else will ever quite be able to understand. While others were incredibly instrumental in my year, no one was there in the same way, day in and day out.

Community is it's own kind of love. It's different than friendship or family or a business relationship--probably because it's a strange mixture of all of the above. I'm still floored by the love that these women showed me. They laughed with me on my best days and took care of me on my worst. They challenged me, and as cheesy as this sounds, they also inspired me. They held me accountable, called me out on the things I didn't want to admit, were always concerned for my well-being, and asked the hard questions.

It meant everything to know that on my worst days, when I felt like my personal life was a mess and my performance at work was terrible, I knew I would come home to my community and a meal on the table that night. Somehow that always made things better. 

Another of my "defining moments" of JVC was at Orientation while we were discussing our needs for the year, and Abby said very simply that we needed each other. And we did. I couldn't have made it through last year without community; I know that without a doubt.

And I guess that's when I realize that we still need each other, even now that we are far apart. Perhaps we need each other more than we did before--just in very different ways--because they understand the beautiful chaos of last year more than anyone else. When I get caught up in the business of my daily life, I need someone to remind me of the lessons, the challenges, and the beauty of JVC.

We had to learn to live with each other, and now I am slowly learning how to live without them. They were my hardest goodbyes, and I am counting down the days until we are reunited.

So, ladies, thank you, thank you, thank you, for the most beautiful year and experience of community that I ever could have asked for. Abby, Cristina, Kateleigh, and Maggie, I'm better off from knowing you.

P.S. This post is very delayed. I started writing it before I even left Boston, and somehow it took me almost six months to get around to finishing/posting it. But somehow that makes it more meaningful because I think I mean it all more now than I did even then.

little moments.

Just wanted to share a few of the moments with the Casserly House kids that I will cherish the most from last year. Watching them grow was such a privilege. I could go on and on about the ways that these kids challenged me and changed me, but I think the stories speak for themselves.

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Walking M. to the T station to meet up with family and having her sing and dance and talk too loud to be polite the entire way there. We were quite a pair.

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B., a 7th grade boy, deciding to write everyone in After School notes one day. Mine read: "Megan, get married soon and make sure I'm invited to the wedding." What? I'm still confused where that came from.

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The days during the spring/early summer when I would walk one of the boys, M., home from After School. I usually walked anyway, and he was on my way, so it wasn't a big thing to do. M. and I would chat while we walked, and it became one of my favorite parts of the day. One of the last times I ever walked him home, we stopped and I bought a snack for both us to eat. You should have seen his face when I let him choose what we would get, and you should have seen mine when he picked $.50 popsicles that were sugar free. He had no idea that he had essentially chosen the cheapest and healthiest option. The joy and innocence on his face was incredible. "You can have two!"

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During the Casserly House Christmas party, "Santa" gave each of the kids a gift bag filled with school supplies, some toys/games, and a few other miscellaneous things. The week after we returned to After School, one of the kids was sitting with Jim and I when he tried to give us back a pack of pencils. At first we were both confused, then he explained, "No, I want you to have them. Because you do so much for us and you never have enough pencils." What pure generosity.

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Me: "Hello dear! How's it going?"

J.: "Don't call me dear."

Me: "Oh, okay. Why?"

J.: "Only old people say dear. And you aren't an old person."

Me: "Oh. Hello friend?"

J.: "Better."

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The rare, beautiful moments with C. without the rest of the kids around, when he finally let the masks and all of the pretense of trying to be cool slip away, and we were able to just enjoy each other's company. 

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Every week:

"Hey Megan, I think I'm taller than you now!" --everyone

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During camp, I had the kids do an Egyptian hieroglyphics activity on the computers one afternoon. They were all supposed to type their names, then other words/phrases that they wanted to try. At one point, I look over and K. has typed in "swag" and nothing else. "Hmm, swag, huh?" "Yeah boy!"

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Some kids are harder eggs to crack than others. In particular, M. was a girl who I had a bit of a tumultuous relationship with all year. On the last day of After School, she was the final one to leave, so we ended up sitting on the front porch together, waiting for her mother to pick her up. She was quiet at first and would barely speak, even when I attempted to engage her in conversation. Eventually, I just gave up, and we sat in silence for a couple of minutes. Then, she pulled a dime out of her pocket, looked at me, and said, "Wanna play heads and tails?" We played that game for almost 20 minutes straight, and I don't know if we ever had a better moment together all year. On the last day, something broke though. 

Finally. 

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Talking with J. before After School in March: 

J.: "Megan, is your job hard?" 

Me: "Sometimes." 

J.: "Like when kids act up?" 

Me: "Yes, definitely. But when everyone cooperates, it's great. Really great. And those are the moments when I have one of the best jobs in the world."

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My last day at Casserly, J. stopped by for a quick visit that turned into an hour. We sat around and chatted, and I got the chance to hear about his recent visit to Haiti with family. J. had been having a hard time coping with the fact that I wouldn't be around in the fall, so I told him about the new JV to help ease the transition. "But I'm still going to miss you, Megan." Our goodbye was particularly meaningful because I knew that it was one of my last. "Promise you'll come back. I'm not leaving 'til you promise." "I promise."

"fear is not from God."

When I think back over the year and try to pinpoint the "defining moments" of my JVC experience,  there are a few I consistently come back to (this day is a big one), but a conversation from our Re-Orientation retreat always comes to mind.

That day was one of the first times I was brutally honest about how I felt about my work with someone outside my community--my frustrations, how much these kids broke my heart, and my self-perceived inadequacies. It wasn't easy, but I let myself open up and admit that I felt like I had no idea what I was doing 90% of the time and that work left me feeling broken and insufficient most days. I talked about being afraid and how crippling that often was.

In that moment, as I was struggling not to cry (and only halfway succeeding), a friend reminded me that, "Fear is not from God." Somehow those simple words were exactly what I needed to hear. It was only after admitting how far in over my head I was that I realized I wasn't alone in feeling lost while doing this work completely out of my comfort zone.

The darkest days of JVC, literally and metaphorically, followed that retreat. (This was written in the midst of that time.) January and February in particular are just a blur of dark, windy evenings when I remember almost running home from the T station to work off some frustration. Those words stuck with me throughout it all, and it was a constant mantra in my head during those dark days. Fear is not from God. Fear is not from God. Fear is not from God. 

Slowly, I learned to quit letting fear control me and to take bumbling, awkward steps, although it was a rocky road. I embraced making mistakes, as per my 2012 motto, not just in work, but also in life and in relationships. I was still nowhere close to perfect, and After School still felt like a mess most days, but I learned to take joy in the little moments right in front of me. Things didn't always turn out the way that I had hoped, but I know that I am better off for the chances that I took, rather than the times that I stayed away and kept my distance in a corner.

Now, seven months later,  I have to admit that I am a little bit irrationally afraid again. I am afraid of losing the relationships that made this year so meaningful, of forgetting the ways that this year changed me, of settling back into my old comfort zone, and mostly, of taking these next steps into the unknown again.

And that is when I once again remind myself: Fear is not from God. Those are words I hope I continue to carry with me throughout all that comes next.

month twelve + a few days.

So... it's not the 11th, but even though JVC officially ended for me on August 10th, I was in Boston until the 13th, so that's why this is delayed.

In short, I spent month twelve saying goodbye. The first week: end of camp and most of the kids. Second week: Dis-O and most of JVC. Third week: Casserly House, the rest of the people there, and S. Nancy. Fourth week: Boston, our house, and my community. Honestly, I have just felt overwhelmed by emotions; I'm not kidding when I say that this past month was one of the most emotionally intense experiences of my life.

However, while I did cry more in public during this past month than I think I ever have before (you will not be seeing those pictures), month twelve was a fitting way to end my time as a JV. Yes, I had to say entirely too many goodbyes, but that is a testament to the beautiful relationships I spent this year building. And the fact that those goodbyes were so hard is a testament to what a wonderful year I had.  I have consistently felt overwhelmed by gratitude, and having the chance to say thank you to the most important people from this year over the past month meant everything.

I had the blessing this year of never once doubting that JVC was the right choice for me, that Boston was the right city, that Casserly House was the right placement, and that this community was the place where I belonged. This year was right for me; it was where I was supposed to be, but somehow it is now time to move on. Month twelve was about beginning to figure that out.

Transitions are never easy for me, even when I know that they are necessary, and month twelve had extreme highs and extreme lows. But when I think back over this last month, I mostly think about faces. Hugs that couldn't last long enough. "Till we meet again's" and encouraging words. The promise of being together in prayer. Shared meals and final drinks together. Laughter and even more inside jokes to add to our list. Promises to call and text and Facetime and visit and generally still be obsessed with each other. 

And once again, I am grateful. Thank you, JVC, for a beautiful ending to a life-changing year.

month twelve.

the end of astronomy. movies, movies, movies.  revere beach sandcastle competition + fireworks.

camp: week 2 - africa. an emotional upset. sleeping on the balcony as a form of self-care. jvc year timelines + high's and low's. mfa fieldtrip. pizza + beautiful sunset. mud. amanda's visit. thank you party + a well-represented casserly house. boston movies.

batman. wawa + live tweeting. dis-o. swimming. reflection. community time. forgiveness. finding peace. realizing that this is only the beginning. fireflies.  emotional exhaustion. the final roadtrip. amish country + lancaster brewery. ain't no party like a scranton party. the end of days. so. many. goodbyes.

the tub fiasco. "what a joker." the final week at Casserly House. scrambling to finish everything. basket shopping. new irish intern. the fighter. letters from the ESOL students + pizza with the kids. the most extraordinary kindness + the last day at Casserly House. final sam adams tour. gone baby gone. mass at st. cecelia's. maggie's birthday cake. jfk library. naptime. the roof of DR.

a last week in Boston. monday night beers at foley's.  jar + bracket of top moments. cleaning + packing. goodbyes to fjvs.

the beehive + top of the hub on our final night out. saying goodbye to kateleigh. one last round at sissy k's. wheat thins. one last mass at st. cecelia's. target with maggie. philadelphia. running around finishing everything. "where is macedonia?" all of us sleeping in kateleigh's room. 6am with maggie. breakfast with abby. lunch with cristina. one last round around the common + a red sox hat. leaving 7 patten st. crying in public. the kindness of strangers. re-reading my journal on the plane.

and finally... home. (for now at least.)

p.s. This doesn't mean that I'm done with this whole blogging thing. I still have a lot of things left to say!

dis-orientated + somewhat finished.

with my beautiful ladies at Dis-Orientation

So, now that the end is here, I guess this is when I am supposed to write the blog post where I tell you about all I learned this year, the impact I made, and how it made me realize what I want to do with my life--essentially, how I figured everything out. And then I would conclude that JVC is over, and I'm done with it, and "wasn't-it-great-but-now-it's-time-to-move-on."

Well, that's a funny joke.

While I have learned so much this year, one of the most important things I have learned is that life is not as simple, neat, or orderly as we want it to be. I'm still trying to find a way to understand everything that happened this year myself, and I certainly haven't found a way to explain it to other people. One thing I do know: doing this work was never about results. I know I did make a difference, but I couldn't quantify it for you, and I think it would be a disservice to what I did do to try. While my future is somewhat clearer at this point, it is still very, very hazy around the edges. And frankly, JVC is technically over, but the journey that I began last August? It never ends (that whole "ruined for life" thing).

Yesterday was technically my last real day of JVC, but emotionally, spiritually, and mentally I am still in the middle, still bound up in the midst of it all. It's still messy and complicated. When I try to wrap my mind around this year as a whole, I can't do it. Over these past twelve months, there have been too many people, experiences, feelings, moments, and memories for my brain to begin to process. Sitting down and somehow condensing it down to a few neat phrases is impossible at this point. Even though I have officially been "dis-orientated," I am not finished.

And that's the beauty of JVC: it's never finished. I will never stop being a Jesuit Volunteer (even though I guess I have to start calling myself a FJV) because to stop would mean leaving these values behind. I don't think that social justice, spirituality, community, and simple living will ever stop meaning something to me. Leaving Boston, Casserly House, and my community doesn't mean abandoning all that I have held dear this year.  It just means learning to live it in a different way. Now it's just a new chapter.

the places where my feet have been.

About two months ago, I started a project for myself as a way to both commemorate my final days of JVC and to remind myself to be present in every moment. Basically, I started taking pictures of my feet and posting them to Instagram. Why my feet?

Two reasons:  

Almost two years ago, as part of CLC Coordinator training at SLU, I took part in a reflection that focused on the places where our feet had been, as a way to look at the places/people/events in our lives that have been formative. That image - of the places where my feet have been - is one that has stuck with me ever since.

Over the past few years, my feet have been a lot of places, from SLU to Rome to Boston. Just over this year, my feet have been all over the streets of Boston, the fields of Blue Ridge, the rocky coast of Maine, New York City, and even a sticky basement floor (here's looking at you, JVC parties). I think I just needed another way to remember to cherish my memories from this year, the moments both big and small that had an impact on me.

As I began this project,  I was wrestling with a big dilemma about what to do at the end of JVC - the classic question of "should I stay or should I go?" (Stay = Boston, Go = Missouri) I had a lot of questions about where my feet would take me next, and those questions were frequently overwhelming. Enter reason #2 for the feet pictures. On our Silent Retreat back in May, someone threw out this simple phrase, and it summed up exactly what I wanted for the next few months: "Be where your feet are." So often, I get caught up in what's ahead of me or memories of what happened before. I wanted to dedicate myself to continuing to just be present in the moment.

The end is almost here, so here is wrap up of the pictures I took, as well as the approximate location/occasion. To say that I had a lot of fun doing this would be an understatement, but it also ended up being more meaningful than I had originally imagined.

rainy days waiting for the bus / the street in front of our house

Castle Island with the ESOL students / the front steps of Casserly House 

Stellman Road / Boston Harbor outside of the Aquarium

Spectacle Island / reading on the Boston Common

Charlestown / the Freedom Trail at the Bunker Hill Monument 

hanging out in NYC / lazy Sunday on the balcony

fountains by the North End / waiting for the T

Boston Public Library / Fenway Park

MFA field trip during Camp / the pond at the Public Garden

a day at Cape Cod / the beach in Nahant 

Oregano Field at Dis-O / my last steps on Stellman Rd. 

the final moments at casserly house.

This morning I rolled out of bed around 6:30. I got up, got ready, turned on Pandora in the background, and put on one of my favorite gray dresses on. I went downstairs, ate a bowl of cereal and drank a glass of orange juice, and packed my bag for the day. By 7:30, I was ready to go, and I began the 1.1 mile walk to Casserly House that I have done almost every day for the last year.

On the surface, it looked and seemed like today was a day like any other, but my heart knew differently, and the people passing me on the street could likely see it in my face.

Today was my last day at Casserly House.

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It's been over 48 hours now since I walked away from 42 Stellman Road for the final time. Honestly, I was so emotional about it on Friday that I could barely talk about it in any sort of coherent manner, even to my housemates, mom, and best friend. I'm still not sure if I'm to the point of talking coherently, but I am at the point where I can at least try.

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The first time I ever walked to Casserly House was during our site visits the Friday before I started work last August--almost exactly a year ago. I still remember that morning like it was yesterday, trying to soak up every bit of my surroundings in an attempt to process all of the transitions. I wore the same gray dress that day that I wore my last day; I guess I just appreciate the symbolism of coming full circle.

Speaking of symbolism, a brief note about my walk to work: I did that walk daily this year, through rain, snow (briefly), and heat. I came to recognize the faces I would pass each morning and had regular chats with the kids as they waited for the school bus. I spent the past year learning how to walk with people on a spiritual/emotional level, just learning how to be with them. That daily walk kept me grounded; it reminded me of why I was really at Casserly and who I need to be.

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In a year full of blessings, the last day at Casserly was one of the biggest. It was, in short, a very good day to end a very good year.

I have spent all week floored by gratitude. There were so many beautiful moments that I wish I could share--people stopping in just to say goodbye, generous gifts and even more generous words from the ESOL teachers, the most beautiful letters from the ESOL students, the kids who made me promise that I would come back to visit (as if they could keep me away), sobbing for most of my walk home and not caring about the strange looks I was getting (still haven't decided if this was high or a low in my life)... and finally, the moment as I walking home when I realized that I did it. I'm done. 


And while that is heartbreakingly sad on some levels, I don't know if I have ever felt more accomplished.

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After a morning and lunch of goodbyes, I really had no reason to continue to stick around after about  2:00 pm. However,  I couldn't drag myself away quite yet. I ended my day (and my year) by sitting with S. Nancy on the front porch for almost an hour. I just needed to soak up Stellman Road one last time. Finally, it was really time to go, and S. Nancy walked me part way down the street before we went our separate ways. However, I didn't make it far before one of the kids chased me down on a bicycle for one final goodbye. "You're coming back, right?"

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We come, and we go; we fall in love with people and places, and then we have to say goodbyes. Thankfully, there is always the "till we meet again's" and memories to pull us through and remind us of what we have loved, what has changed us in a profound way, and what has broken our heart. Such is life, and such was my year.

I will carry these people, their stories, and these memories with me always.