she's got the world at her fingertips.

A few weeks ago I had a conversation with my dad about my future--which after next July, is wide open. At one point, he laughed and made the following comment: "You know that song, 'My future's so bright, I gotta wear shades'? Well, your future must be clouded by smoke, it's so uncertain."

While part of me wanted to take offense to this (well-meant) poke at my lack of life direction, but I couldn't help but agree because, well, it's true. My future after my JV year is like a blank page. I don't know what I'll be doing (grad school, working, traveling, etc.), what field I'll be in, or where I'll be.

This past week I participated in Cura Personalis, the national conference for college CLC members/coordinators. The conference includes two days of silent retreat, during which participants meet with a spiritual director each day. I spent the first part of the silent retreat feeling like my head was stuffed full of cotton, like if I could somehow extract all of that cotton out of my head, there would finally be room for my thoughts to be clear.

After sensing my jumbled state of mind during our first meeting, the second day my spiritual director (an incredibly sweet, elderly nun) gave me a copy of this Thomas Merton prayer: "My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end..."

Well, to say that that's the truth would be an understatement. But although I'm uncertain of exactly where this path of JVC is going to take me, I have to say that I'm excited for the ride. At this point, I honestly can go anywhere and do almost anything. That kind of freedom is a liberating, and it's kind of exhilarating to not know where I'll be: that means there's still a world of possibilities open to me. And in my moments of uncertainty, I am still sure that the God of certainty is guiding me every step of the way.

photo via pinterest // title via "She Is" by Ben Rector [one of my current favorite songs]

graduation.

So, senior week happened. And then graduation happened, too. And it hasn't sunk in yet, even though I put on the cap and gown, walked across the stage, took the pictures, and said far too many "see you later's."

I could wax poetic about the highlights of my college experience or the ways that SLU has changed me over the past four years, but I won't right now (although that will likely come later).

However, I will say this because it sums up my experience here in so many ways: as Fr. Biondi told us at commencement, "You are now sons and daughters of Saint Louis University FOREVER." And I believe that, and I will forever treasure my time at SLU.

today.

Today I...

took my last final of undergrad.

turned in my last paper of undergrad.

returned all my library books + paid my fines.

ate lunch on campus.

sold back textbooks.

returned my SLU mailbox key (that I've had for four years!).

It hasn't sunk in yet that I'm done with schoolwork for at least a year and a half (I currently feel guilty about not doing anything "productive"), but talk about a day of transition.

dear slu,

you will always be home to a part of me. the sentiment of what i said before i left Rome is true for you, too:

Oh, Rome, we've had less than four months together, but a lifetime wouldn't be enough for you. After all, you're the Eternal City--you've been here for thousands of years before me, and you'll still be here after me. In a city of this scale, I never thought I'd really get my hands on you, but I've made pieces of you my own. And I haven't left yet, but before I do, I'm leaving a piece of myself here too. I'll be the girl in the dress sitting on the cobblestones of St. Peter's Square, gazing up at the Basilica with a cone of gelato in my hand, still as completely in awe of you as I was my first night here back in August. Others may not see me, but a memory of me will always remain; you'll know I'm there, and that's enough.

change months to years and Rome to SLU and the rest pretty well fits.

soon, i will leave this place; others will take my place and fill the gaps i left. i'll go back to my hometown--the only place that has shaped me more than you have--for a few months, then in august i'll head off to boston for the year. and before i know it, i'll fall in love with that place to... and so the cycle will continue. i'll meet more new faces, make new memories, gradually fall in love with another place and start to belong there, too. and after a year, i'll move on from boston and it will continue again. because that's how life works if we are open to change.

as a wise jesuit said at mass last night, "it's happened before. it can happen again."

and while that is so very, very true, i know that part of me will always, always belong here. i'll linger in the hallway of 4 Walsh, on the benches in Xavier, and on the patio at Humphrey's.

thanks for the best four years of college i could have asked for.

love,
megan

[obviously, i wrote this a few months ago, but never posted it. backlogging it for my own info.]

just another sunday.

Today is the last day I will spend studying and writing papers for a very long time. Tomorrow, I take my last final and turn in my last research paper of my undergraduate career. All of the stacks of books, mountains of research, hundreds of pages of writing, and hours of class have come down to this: one last Sunday spent studying. This is the homestretch. I'm almost done with undergrad. In less than a week, I graduate and begin the process of saying goodbye to SLU and the past four years.

Over the past four years, my college life has settled into a routine. There are certain things that have been predictable about my weeks: APO Chapter on Tuesday nights in Kelly Auditorium, Mass on Sunday nights in College Church, Penny Pitchers at Humphrey's on Wednesdays, CLC once a week, Friday Lunch Club, and weekend evenings spent wandering up and down Laclede Street. These activities have been some of my constants over the past few years and they have provided my college life with a schedule and sort of rhythm that I have come to know and love.

And Sundays, well, Sundays are dedicated to comfortable clothes and stacks of books as I begin to prepare for the coming week. So as I take on this final day of studying, it seems only fitting that I do it in accordance with how I have spend the last four years. Sure, my roommate and I spent the morning at The Mud House rather than staying on our comfortable couch, but the thought's the same. (Pictured: The Mud House's veggie breakfast sandwich. SO GOOD.)

I've neglected this blog lately in the midst of end of the semester busyness, but I think I've also been struggling with writing about where I am these days because frankly, I'm not sure. I'm always a pretty emotional person, but the last week or so has been rough as I've attempted to understand myself and be honest about where I am and what I'm feeling. With graduation just around the corner, I'm going to keep trying, so in the meantime bear with me as I sort through the mess of emotions.

walsh 477: a healthy dose of nostalgia.

A week ago, I had to stop by my freshroom dorm for a meeting, and after my meeting was over, I couldn't help but wander up to my old floor from freshman year. The names on the doors and decorations on the walls of the fourth floor of Walsh were different, but the smell, the feel, and the atmosphere were still the same. I halfway expected my friends to wander out of their (former) dorm rooms and ask if I wanted to go to dinner.

I lingered besides my own freshman door for a moment, and I pondered how much things have changed. I haven't set foot on that floor in over a year, and I haven't lived there for almost three years. In that time, I have lived in three different apartments in three different buildings, gone home for three summers, and studied abroad for a semester in Rome. Yet, I still instantly felt like part of me belonged there--just like part of me always belongs in the places that I have loved.

Leaving Walsh to go home the summer after freshman year was nothing less than traumatic for me. My friends and I were literally distraught about having to spend three months apart after growing so close over the previous year. After I finally managed to drag myself away, I updated my residence on Facebook. I couldn't deal with the reality of the fact that I no longer lived in Walsh 447, so I simply changed it to say Walsh 447 (will always be home).

Last picture of me in Walsh 447...taken right before moving out

While my residence on Facebook hasn't said this (or anything else for that matter) for quite awhile, the fourth floor of Walsh will always be one of the most important physical spaces of my life. It is a place  where I found acceptance, where I laughed and cried and ate too many s'mores at midnight. It's where I slept too little, studied too much, and wondered, wondered a lot. I used to sit in the window of that room and watch people walk by and dream about who I would become over these four years of college. Walsh 447 was a place where I endured those awkward beginning weeks of college, when no one really knew who their "people" were yet, and it's the place where I cried goodbye with my people in May.

I've done a lot of thinking over the past few years about community (and will soon be doing much more within the context of JVC), and a lot of that thinking was because of SLU. While those lessons about community began in Walsh, SLU has taught me the value of community through other avenues as well. Gradually, these people who were once strangers have become my roommates, my best friends, my acquaintances, and my familiar faces around campus, and that is what makes leaving college harder than anything else. Because other things can be replaced, but community has to be built. And I have worked so hard to create these communities over the past four years, and now I have to leave them.

When I reflect back to where I was emotionally three years ago at this time, I am actually in a more stable place today. While I was a mess leaving freshman year, over time I realized that we would be okay. And it's been that continued reassurance over the past few years of breaks and periods of separation that is keeping me from being a nervous wreck now, as I face a much more permanent separation in a looming future. Although if I am really truly honest, I will admit that I think the real reason I haven't been freaking out yet is simply because it hasn't sunk in yet (only 18 days left!).

For today though, I just want to remember where I've been and the one of the places that helped me get here. Walsh 447, here's to you.

First day of classes at SLU...Fall '07

slow down.

 
It's a beautiful day in St. Louis. Sunny, 60 degrees, slightly breezy--the perfect spring day in one of my favorite places in the world. These are the days that remind me of why St. Louis is a great place to live, and an especially great place to go to college. Ironically enough, today also marks the beginning of the 50 day countdown until graduation. 

Since I was greeted this morning with beautiful weather and no committments until 6pm, I decided to take a run around the edges of campus. This is one of those little things that I've never done--something as simple as walking around the entire perimeter of campus at one time. From Laclede, to Compton, to Lindell, to Vandeventer, with two Grand crossings in the middle. These streets have been my home for the past four years. They have become both shelter from the outside world and an awakening to completely new sense of that world and of myself.

I laced up my shoes, grabbed my keys, and headed out the door. Initially, my run was invigorating, and I reveled in the simple joy of physical accomplishment in the midst of some completely gorgeous weather. Eventually, the fact that I was running on a basically empty stomach caught up with me, and as I paused to walk for a moment, my emotions caught up with me as well. 

Slow down, my body urged, and my heart also tried to heed the message. I walked the rest of the way around campus, reveling in my surrounding from some of SLU's most beautiful architecture to the message "follow your heart" written in the concrete sidewalk. I breathed in and out, and I took in the blue sky, the blooming trees, and the smallest intricacies of each SLU tulip. While part of me wishes I had had my camera in tow, I also know that I could not have captured the simple joy and beauty of those moments if I had tried. 

The tension of SLU's existence also hit me head on--the contrast between the perfectly manicured lawns on one side of the street and the homeless man pushing a shopping cart on the other side of the street. At one time, I would have looked away from him, uncomfortable with such a challenge to the often frivolous and excessive life that I lead. Today, I looked at him as an individual worthy of dignity and respect and thanked SLU for giving me a completely new understanding of social justice and the value of accompanying people where they are. 

With all of these thoughts running through my mind, my physical pace slowed to a meandering pace, as I pondered the meaning of my past four years at SLU. I really can't believe that all of this is happening, that these streets that have sheltered, shaped, and challenged me for so long are getting ready to lead me out into the bigger world. I'm moving to a new city in a few months, taking on new & different work, and learning to live with & love new roommates. And as exciting as all of that is, all my heart is saying to me at the moment is slow down. Appreciate. Savor. Revel. Be here now in this moment, not in the past, not in the future.

I'm compiling a list of 50 things I want to do or accomplish before graduation (currently, I'm only at about 40, but I'm confident that the rest will come). Some are silly and stupid; others are nostalgic and meaningful. But in some way or another, they each represent the reasons why I have fallen so in love with SLU over the past four years.

Those who know me well can attest to the fact that I'm kind of an overly-emotional person. (Example: hearing "I Gotta Feeling" by the Black Eyed Peas almost made me break down in tears last night... in the middle of a crowded bar. It reminds me of Rome, okay?) With that in mind, I have no idea how I'm going to handle these coming weeks. I'm freaked out that I'm not already an emotional mess; this is just a sign that I'm in denial. 

Perhaps all I can do to deal with what's about to happen is to slow down--to savor every $1 pitcher of beer from Humphrey's, every minute of class, every Wednesday night dinner with my roommates, every homily at 9pm Mass on Sunday nights, every run around campus in beautiful weather. And as I slow down, hopefully I will take time to be thankful for what I have been given here and to ponder what I will give back in return.

living in the in between.

I wrote this a few weeks ago, and while I now do know what I will be doing next year (more about that soon!!!), much of it is still applicable to how I'm feeling and where I am at the current moment.

The final semester of college is a strange place to live. All of us seniors are still here, but at the same time, we're not. My friends are either trying to find jobs or making decisions about grad/med/law schools, and I'm really proud of them. When I say I have accomplished friends, I mean it. And I mean it in ways that go just beyond acceptance letters from Ivy League schools (even though some of them are getting those too!). My friends really are intelligent, talented, caring, beautiful people. I feel proud to know them and to be a part of their lives.

However, while some of us know where we will be next year already, most of us (myself included) are still playing the waiting game. The ball's out of our court, as we check our emails and phones every half hour, anxiously awaiting news.

I think what I am learning these days, however, is to embrace this time of in-between, where I'm still in college, but I'm also getting closer and closer to knowing what form the next step will mean for me. I'm still at SLU, but my heart is slowly starting to prepare itself to move on. I have never loved being here more, but I'm also aware that those feelings are partly because I know I have to leave.

However, even though I'm getting ready to leave, I haven't left yet. And I'm determined to make the most of what time I do have left.

So, here's to living in the present and enjoying the in between. 

 picture via PostSecret [a very long time ago]

spring break '11 recap.

Four girls. Seven days. 1460 miles. One senior year Spring Break.

Way too much fun.

 

Lazy beach days, hiking, shopping, dolphin tours, and so much eating.

Sunsets, southern accents, sandcastles, St. Paddy's Day, and sunburns.

Let's meet back in Orange Beach in four more years, okay, girls?

happy spring.

I'm back from spring break, and while the adjustment from lazy afternoons at the beach to days full of activities and studying has been a bit rough so far, the great weather in St. Louis is making it a little bit easier to deal with (currently 78 degrees!).

Also, I had my first SLU tulip sighting today! This picture was taken this morning as I left the business school after my marketing class, and it instantly put a little bit more of a spring in my step (pun not intended).

Happy second day of spring!

mardi gras.

When a weekend includes this many good friends, it just can't go wrong. From planned reunions to surprise, last minute meet-ups, celebrating Mardi Gras on Saturday was the best. Not only did I get to spend my last college Mardi Gras with some of my oldest and dearest SLU friends, I was also able to spend some time with my friends from studying abroad in Rome.

 

  

Also, did I mention that I took the best nap ever Saturday afternoon after getting up early for the parade? So fantastic. Forget New Orleans; I'll take Mardi Gras in St. Louis any day.

p.s. J-Force for life.

new beginnings.

Spring is my favorite time of the year at SLU. While fall is nice, winter is only okay with me until the end of February. After that, I'm done. I want spring, and I want it now.

There's something exhilarating about the first day it's nice enough to walk outside without a heavy coat, wearing flats instead of boots, and with the sun shining down on me on the way to class. I always know that spring is really here the first time I spot the famous SLU tulips (or SLUlips as they are sometimes known).

I'm at the point in the semester where I'm just counting down until Spring Break, when I can enjoy time away from schoolwork spent at the (hopefully warm) beaches of Alabama with my friends. After Mardi Gras this weekend, only one more week of classes, one paper prospectus, one Marketing assignment, and one Accounting test stand in my way.

 I can't wait. Both for warm weather to be here for good and for Spring Break.

 

(Pictures from spring 2009--it doesn't look like this here yet!)